i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
