I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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