I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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