I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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