Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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