Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
