You just made me feel so damn special
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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