woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
