Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
