Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
