He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
