I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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