tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
