He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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