i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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