All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We need to rekindle our bromance
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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