Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
