It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
