Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
