Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
