I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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