i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
