dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
