He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
