Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
