I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
