i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
