I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
