Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
