I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
