I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
