I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
