Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
