yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Oh god it's open bar.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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