I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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