Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
