Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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