You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
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The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
dude. I can hear the air.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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