My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
