I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
