If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
