names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
