My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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