my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
