I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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