I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
