i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
