I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
