I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
this is an emotional support booty call
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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