Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
