the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
