You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
