He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
