Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
