i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
