Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
