i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
