Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
