i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
