you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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