All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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