Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
