how can u be prego again
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
