respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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