Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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