Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
